a new beginning

i think im starting fresh.

www.xanga.com/viva_lia

because i want to live.  or at least i dont want to be so miserable anymore.

comment on that sight if you want me to sub to you.

and maybe if i didnt have this stupid "80-pound-and-i-will-be-there-again mentality", id be a little more happy.

i just want to love myself.

"Complete as the perfect wings of the jay above your head or the pale stars that mark your birth with nothing but pure light... I cannot give you anything so complete or perfect or pure.  But I can give you something better.  Your body... And the fierce love of it that noone can take away."

thank you ma'am...

and ill politely smile and say, "thank you for your time", but what i will really be feeling is:

why the fuck will you send me back to a state hospital? i weigh far beyond my healthy range, so let me sign myself out.  you don't need to move up my meal plan, and no, thankyou, i don't need to eat anymore.

and i need an escape, from these hospitals, from these rules, from this place.  and it kills me to be sitting down typing this because of the caloric increase starting tomorrow.  but i don't have to eat.  and they'll just send me back to a state hospital. 

home.  i should be calling it home.

but what i really want is to be with you.   or if youre not up for that, you with me.  because youre the only sanity ive been able to find in this place, in these past two years, because
youre the only one who understands my crazy fucked up world.  and youre the only one who makes me feel welcomed in life, because it is only with you that i am sane.

but not today, the time has come and gone.
but will you forgive me if i don't eat my teddy grahams tonight?
because i really dont feel like getting fat here, while i could be perfectly content seeing the numbers on the scale going down.

my clothes dont fit.  i have to make them fit.

and i have found yet another glimpse?

perhaps there is not only perfection in thinness, but perfection in friendship.
in knowing she'll be there.
in knowing that you can give me that glimpse of a life i want sofuckingbad.

the truth

an excerpt from a comment to casey (AmericanBewtee):

"we can all die from this disease, in a sad way, i am dedicated to this disease, but also to you.  i honestly cant say i could give up my ed for you, i cant even give it up for myself.  these past two years, treatment has been forced on me and i need time for myself to decide whether i want it or not.  it would be helpful to have someone around me that would accept me regardless, and as i said, help the lonliness factor go away.  i would hate it if you had to give me space or if i had to give you space, so we could do what we needed to, why cant whatever we do be together?

i dont know why, probably because of your eloquent writing, i do feel as though i know you, more than my best friend (the same best friend that unfortunately i would give up, even though shes never left my side through all of this, to be rail-thin again)

i am sick, you know that.  i dont want to get better, i just want to be happy.  when i say ive found hope, i mean ive found a little happiness.

do you understand? (not that you wouldnt, im just checking)

i just fucking want to be happy, whether its at 80 pounds or 140, i just fucking want my smile to not be fake, i want to feeel, the good and the bad, and i want to appreciate life.  i dont care if my life lasts 2 years or 22 years or 52 years longer, i just want some fucking peace of mind.

and it fucking kills me, because i had it, i had it as i was losing weight, living with my father DIEING. i had it when you came to visit me, i had it when i stepped on the scale and it read 80 pounds.

so im confused.  what do i want?

maybe my happiness would be astounding if it could just be you and me and 80 pounds.

someone to listen, to understand, not like my mother, who came today and said "just do it" as if it was a fucking dream vacation.i asked her if shed like people telling her to gain weight, even though shes overweight, and she said "heck ya, id be able to eat more"

but thats not what i want.  ive been force fed these 2 years, force fed food and fat and lies.  because it wont be all fun and games when its over (whens it over?) i wont have a life, ill just have more weight to be concerned over.

treatment hasnt fixed my head, it hasnt given me happiness.

but maybe you could, thats all im saying, i need to get out of here, and make my own decisions for once. to know that im in control of whether i die, or whether im happy or whether i eat.

and i dont know.  life is so fuzzy these days.  i long for caffeine 24 hours of the day and thats all i can think about.  when will i get coffee? when will i get gum?"

if i could save the world...

...i would be the sunshine in your universe.

i am filled with hope.  that perhaps i dont have to live up to this eating disordered expectation set on me.  i feel like i owe it to xanga, to the world, to be thin, pretty, perfect.

but theres hope, theres hope that i may be accepted as i am now, that perhaps someday i will find love, from myself and from others.

i just want to thank you for putting it there.

something's wrong with me...

im terribly sorry for giving you all hope for me having hope.

i dont want to do this, i want to be small, drinking caffeine throughout the day, living a glamorous, sinful life full of starvation and lethargy.

actually, i dont know what i want, but its not here, not at klarman, not in treatment.

monday, lia, wait until monday and perhapsyou will be able to leave.